


Confidentiality

by Esperata



Category: Star Trek: Enterprise
Genre: Asexual Malcolm Reed, Asexuality, M/M, Misunderstandings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-23
Updated: 2018-10-25
Packaged: 2019-08-06 15:21:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,072
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16390211
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Esperata/pseuds/Esperata
Summary: In which Trip makes a discovery and then has to be educated about what it really means.





	1. Confidentiality

Lieutenant Reed entered sickbay tentatively. He usually had no objection to visiting the doctor, either for professional reasons or on a friendly basis, but this summons had been uncomfortably vague.

“Ah! Lieutenant.” Phlox approached with a grin and Malcolm subconsciously moved to keep his retreat clear. “I just need your help to complete a few sections on your medical records.”

Falling into a standard at ease posture, Reed nevertheless frowned.

“I thought all that was taken care of at Starfleet HQ?”

“Mostly it was,” Phlox agreed. “However there are a few questions that were optional except on a long duration mission. As Starfleet Medical didn’t know at the time that our mission would be extended…”

“I understand,” Malcolm concluded. “Let’s get it over with then.” He reached out a hand expectantly and Phlox obligingly handed over the PADD he’d been holding.

“I shall need you to complete the sections on sexual history and preferences.”

Reed’s head snapped up.

“Are those really necessary?”

“Given the close confines of the crew and the possibility of alien encounters – willing or otherwise – it is important that I am aware of all possible sources or stress and tension.”

“Fine,” Malcolm conceded, looking briskly back to the PADD. A moment passed before he glanced back up to the doctor inquisitively. “Do you mind?” he prompted.

“Not in the least,” Phlox answered obliviously.

“I meant, I would prefer privacy while filling this out.”

The Denobulan looked genuinely confused.

“Why? I am aware humans suffer some embarrassment discussing their sexual relations but I am your doctor. I’ll be reading it either way. And really, I don’t see why your species find it so uncomfortable. On Denobula-”

“Doctor,” Malcolm interrupted firmly before softening his tone. “Please? I’d be more comfortable.”

Phlox held up his hands in a gesture of surrender.

“Very well. I’ll go… check on my bat.”

As he meandered across the room, Malcolm swiftly began filling in the relevant answers, wanting the whole business over as soon as possible. In truth it didn’t take him long.

Still, he’d only just managed to hand the PADD back to the doctor when the doors to sickbay opened and Commander Tucker wandered in.

“Hey Malcolm.” His smiled dropped into a frown. “You alright? Not ill are ya?”

Malcolm let the tension ease from his posture and offered a reassuring smile.

“Perfectly well Commander. Just catching up with the doctor.” His own formality gave way to concern. “Are you unwell?”

“Nah.” Trip waved dismissively. “Just a headache from running all those simulations. Got anything for a tension headache Phlox?”

Phlox clucked disapprovingly.

“I’ve told you Commander, it’s far better if you take regular breaks. Prevention is better than cure after all.”

From behind the fussing Denobulan’s back Malcolm smirked before leaving Trip to his lecture. The engineer watched him go longingly, for more than one reason. Phlox continued unsuspectingly.

“I do however have a particular herbal remedy that should help.”

“Can’t ya just give me a shot of something?”

Phlox gave him a severe look.

“I’d rather not have the crew becoming reliant on artificial stimulants. And as a senior officer I would expect you to set an example for your team. If you’ll just wait there a moment, I’ll have your treatment ready in a matter of moments.”

Trip sighed as he was left and hoisted himself onto the biobed resigned to wait for whatever Phlox had in store. His patience didn’t last long though and he cast his eyes about for something to distract him.

Malcolm’s face on a nearby screen naturally caught his attention and he shimmied over to have a closer look.

Even in a flat still image there was something captivating about the Englishman’s gaze. Something demanding and challenging and which, if he’d been standing, would have made his knees weak. His eyes skittered away from the intense look and found themselves scanning over the print next to the picture.

He froze the instant he realised what he was looking at and hastily looked away but the damage was done.

 _Asexual_. The word swam in front of his vision. What did that even mean though? Didn’t have sex, right? Which fit with the other glimpsed notation. _Sexual history: none_.

His heart suddenly ached. Mal deserved better than that. What could have possibly happened to leave the man perpetually single? It wasn’t that he was unattractive. Did he feel compelled to put his career first always?

“Commander?” Phlox’s voice snapped his attention back and he realised he’d dropped his head into his hands. Looking up he saw Phlox holding out something in a small jar.

“I’d suggest you head to your quarters, rub this into your forehead, and lie down for a bit. Rest will do wonders.”

“Thanks Doc.” He slid off the biobed and forced a smile. “I’ll do that.”

He moved on autopilot out of sickbay and let his feet carry him back to his room. His mind was completely elsewhere still.

If he were being honest, he’d been attracted to Malcolm from the start. Initially for his looks but then, as he’d got to know him, those feelings had developed into something more. But he’d cautioned himself against acting on them. Firstly because he wasn’t sure Malcolm would appreciate the interest and secondly because of the possible awkwardness of dating a colleague.

Now though all those concerns faded into insignificance. Malcolm was suffering and Trip had the power to help. He could not in good conscience let his friend believe himself unlovable. It was all the incentive Trip needed.

He almost headed straight to the lieutenant’s quarters before realising he was hardly prepared for a romantic encounter. His uniform looked stained and crumpled from his day in engineering, there was dirt under his nails and his head still ached.

Malcolm deserved a proper courtship.

“Tomorrow Mal,” he promised softly. “Tomorrow.”


	2. Confident

Trip ran his suddenly sweaty palms down his pants and took a deep breath. There was no need for him to be nervous he reminded himself. Malcolm had seemed quite pleased when Trip had asked if they could meet up this evening. And to make sure there was no misunderstanding, Trip had quite deliberately said they should meet in Malcolm’s quarters for their date so the lieutenant might be more comfortable.

But what if he’d thought Trip was joking? Or teasing with the reference to a ‘date’?

The sound of people further along the corridor spurred him into action and he rang the intercom. It was mere seconds later that the door opened to reveal Malcolm, relaxed in off-duty clothes but glancing nervously up at him.

“You came.”

All Trip’s anxiety vanished in the face of Malcolm’s hesitation and he smiled reassuringly even as he invited himself in.

“Course. Why wouldn’t I?”

Malcolm didn’t answer immediately but gestured for him to sit while he headed to where he’d got some drinks ready for them.

“To be honest, I’m surprised you asked me at all.” He handed a bottle to Trip with an inquisitive look.

“I’ve wanted to ask you out for ages,” Trip admitted, calm now he knew they were on the same page.

“Really? I wouldn’t have thought I was your type.”

“Tell the truth, my ‘type’ ain’t worked out that well for me. You however…” he paused to survey the other man up and down. “You’ve took my breath away.”

Malcolm flushed and lowered his gaze.

“Trip… there’s something I should probably tell you. Before you get too invested.”

“Alright.” Trip kept his tone soft and his posture relaxed, confident that he knew what was coming and not in the least worried.

Unlike Malcolm who was clearly stealing himself.

“I don’t… have much experience at this. Actually… I’ve never had much interest in relationships. I’m interested in you,” he added quickly. “Although…” he stopped, clearly frustrated with finding the right words to convey what he wanted. Finally he sighed and raised his eyes to meet Trip’s head on.

“I’m not interested in sex,” he declared.

Trip nodded casually.

“S’alright. I understand.”

That response obviously flummoxed the lieutenant who looked as if Trip had suggested replacing the warp engine with a coal plant.

“You do?”

“Yeah. New things are always frightening. ‘Specially when you might have heard tales of experiences gone wrong.”

“I never said I was afraid.” Malcolm frowned. “And who said anything about it being a new thing? Have the crew been talking about me?”

“No. Nothing like that.” Trip shrugged hoping to defuse Malcolm’s paranoia. “I just happened to catch sight of a screen in sickbay.”

The frown turned into a scowl.

“The doctor needs to learn the meaning of the word ‘confidential’.”

“The point is,” Trip leant forward as he tried to get the conversation back on track. “I understand. I’m happy to talk you through it. Go slow. And it’ll be so worth it. I promise.”

“No Trip. You _don’t_ understand. I meant what I said. I’m not interested in sex. Its not that I’m scared or confused or in any way impaired. It simply isn’t something that I want to do.”

This time Trip frowned.

“Ya mean you ain’t interested in me?”

“No,” Malcolm corrected softly. “I _am_ interested in you. I think you’re funny and smart and handsome. I’d very much like to have a closer relationship with you. I just don’t want that to include sex.”

“So you don’t find me desirable,” Trip huffed. “Ya want to hang out with me ‘til someone better comes along.”

“That’s not it at all!” The hint of desperation in Malcolm’s voice gave Trip pause. “I’ve never felt about anyone the way I feel about you Trip. I didn’t even think it was possible for me to. I certainly doubt I’ll ever meet anyone else I care for half as much.”

“Then I don’t understand,” Trip admitted. “Why don’t you want to have sex with me?” A sudden thought struck him. “Were you abused?”

“What? No!” Malcolm bristled. “Honestly, is it so hard to comprehend that love and sex might exist separately?”

“The L word shocked both men into a moment’s silence. Then Trip swallowed and continued.

“If you love me, then you’d want sex with me.”

Malcolm’s open gaze locked shut.

“I _do_ love you Trip, but not to the extent that I’d sacrifice my identity to fulfil your expectations of what your partner should be. If _you_ loved _me_ you wouldn’t ask it of me. You’d accept me as I am and not ask me to bloody well lie back and think of Engand while you take what you want!”

“Hey! I’d never force ya!”

“Yet you’ve already told me you’d expect it of me if we were in a relationship. Well I’m sorry but I can’t agree to those terms. If you can’t do without then there’s really nothing further to discuss.”

He stood and stepped across to open his door. Trip stared, momentarily stunned by the abrupt dismissal, before standing and hesitantly approaching him.

“Malcolm… how do you know you won’t like it ‘til you’ve tried?”

If looks could kill, then he’d be a pile of smoldering ashes after that question.

“Do you say that to lesbians too Commander? That they’d enjoy sex with a man if only they gave it a try?”

“Course not-”

“Then why say it to an asexual?”

“It’s hardly the same, is it?” Trip protested.

Malcolm actually rolled his eyes.

“I suggest you do some research Commander.” He gestured out the door, but as Trip made to leave he quickly reached out and caught his arm. “I trust you’ll have the decency to keep this information to yourself?”

Trip gave him a hurt look.

“Of course.”

As Malcolm searched his eyes for reassurance Trip saw perhaps more than the lieutenant wanted in his own gaze. As if he realised though Malcolm swiftly removed his hand and stepped back.

“Goodnight then Commander.”

The door was shut before Trip could even frame the word ‘good’.

He began the slow walk back to his quarters, all the while remembering that look of disappointment in wintery eyes.


	3. Confide

Trip determined to put it from his mind. Really. Malcolm didn’t want him. It hurt but that was fine. He could take rejection.

Except for that final look.

Malcolm had looked so hurt and sad. As if it was Trip who had rejected _him_.

The more he tried not to think about it, the more he found himself remembering. And the more he realised he’d perhaps reacted too impulsively and even inappropriately.

‘ _Do some research,_ ’ Malcolm had said. That’s what Trip ought to have done straight away. Not gone blundering in, blinded by his own attraction to the lieutenant, and without stopping to think. Or to listen.

‘ _I am interested in you._ ’ Malcolm had told him that he cared. Told him he wanted a relationship. But all Trip had heard was that he didn’t want sex.

Was he that focused on the physical that he really couldn’t imagine a life doing without? He’d asked if Mal had been abused. If the answer had been yes, would he still have pressured him or would he have accepted the restriction in order to be with him?

Trip had signed up to this mission with the expectation that he’d be going without for five years and it hadn’t even occurred to him to worry about it. Sure he liked sex – and he couldn’t deny he’d fuelled a few fantasies with thoughts of the lieutenant – but he could go without.

Perhaps they could work something out. In a couple of those imagined scenarios Malcolm had brought him off with nothing but his voice, whispering sordid encouragement in that upper class voice.

Trip found himself logging into their database and doing what he should have originally – searching for asexuality.

He found research papers and reports on its slow media acceptance. Yet the personal blogs and publications helped him understand more.

One thing they made abundantly clear was the distinction between love and sex. An asexual person was just as capable of deep committed love. It was only that they expressed it a different way.

Trip recalled Malcolm saying much the same thing and he, like a blockhead, had tried to twist it. Demanding Malcolm conform to his ideals.

Yet didn’t the lieutenant already show his affection in myriads of little ways. Smiles and thoughtful acts of kindness… the way he’d go along with Trip’s plans despite his better judgement… how he allowed him to nickname him and tease him and generally get closer to those emotional barriers than anyone else. And for someone so reserved and cautious to do that, didn’t that show how much he loved him?

Tucker ached as he thought of the pain in those eyes. Pain he’d caused with his insensitive words. But what did he really want from a relationship with Malcolm?

He wanted his trust he realised. More than anything he wanted to be the one Malcolm turned to with his problems and his worries. To be there for him at the end of a long day with open armed comfort. It would be the proudest moment of his life if he could win the man’s trust, hold him in his arms and sooth him back to calmness.

He found himself once again making the journey to the lieutenant’s quarters, without an invite this time but with greater determination.

“Commander? Is something the matter?”

“We need to talk.”

Trip didn’t allow Malcolm to question him but stepped inside. While the lieutenant was unsure if this was official or not he wouldn’t protest. But as soon as the door shut Trip got right to the point.

“I want a relationship with you.”

Malcolm sagged, all military posture gone in an instant leaving him looking unusually vulnerable.

“Trip. We talked about this.” The note of sorrow in his voice reassured Trip that it wasn’t yet hopeless.

“Ah know. An’ I was an idiot. I see that now. You don’t want sex? Fine. Its not what’s most important to me anyhow.”

“It isn’t? But you said-”

“I know,” Trip interrupted, not wanting or needing to be reminded. “And I was wrong. Ah’m sorry. Though I can’t deny I think of you that way… I’d never force ya Mal. Please believe that.”

Trip waited with bated breath as Malcolm stared. Then slowly he nodded and Trip could breathe again.

“So what would you expect?”

Trip held his gaze firmly as he answered.

“Trust. I know I can trust you – body, heart and soul – and I want to be the same for you.”

Malcolm shifted uneasily.

“I’m not sure I can offer that either,” he admitted.

The response wasn’t unexpected but Trip took another deep breath before clarifying.

“Is that because you _don’t_ trust me or don’t _want_ to trust me?”

“No, I trust you – probably more than anyone else – but what you’re asking… you want full disclosure and I find that…” he struggled to explain, the words not coming.

“I understand,” Trip offered. “I really do this time. I know it’ll take a while. Years possibly. And maybe we’ll never get it completely solved but… I’m willing to spend that time with you.”

Malcolm searched his gaze, looking for the trick.

“And you won’t ask me for sex?”

“Never. I got a hand and a good imagination. And you’ve got a damn fine voice if you were ever willing to offer it.”

“I might be amenable to that.” He ducked his gaze with a blush. “I’ve never had an objection to _watching_.”

Trip felt hope swell in his heart. They were discussing terms now.

“I think we’ll work out some compromises then. All proper relationships have some give ‘n’ take. An’ I do want a proper relationship with you Mal.”

He was scrutinised again before a small smile graced Malcolm’s face.

“I’d like that as well Trip. I really would.”

“So,” Trip reached out a hand. “Do you want to come with me to my quarters and watch a movie?”

Malcolm’s smile grew as he took Trip’s hand.

“Will there be explosions?”

“How ‘bout I let you pick the film?” Trip knew he would probably let Malcolm have his way for a while as he still felt guilty.

To his surprise Mal leant up and kissed his cheek.

“We’ll take turns,” he suggested tugging Tucker out into the corridor before glancing back at him and adding, “Love.”

Trip grinned.

“Sounds dandy darlin’.”


End file.
